'Fountain of Youth' consumes John Krasinski
Apple TV+
Congrats — you now have the answer if you’ve ever wondered “What if ‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade’ totally sucked?” “Fountain of Youth” is soulless content, burning money to travel the world while making viewers less interested in visiting any of these places simply because of their association with dreck. At the very least this saggy bummer will remind you of the value of your time, and how foolish you were to spend two hours on something no one on screen seems proud of.
Start with casting Natalie Portman and John Krasinski as siblings. Really?! Just because he’s playing a smarmy cad and she’s forced to be the opposite, a wet blanket who’s getting divorced and needs to be reminded how to have fun? It’s depressing for her and a reminder that the Jim Halpert persona doesn’t automatically translate to any situation. Part of why that character became so lovable was his smirking as an act of defiance. Somehow played with both humility and swagger by Krasinski, the lovelorn “Office” salesman used attitude to compensate for challenges and disappointments, which still remained professionally even after he and Pam removed the second part of their will they/won’t they.
In “Fountain of Youth” — in which Luke (Krasinski) and Charlotte (Portman) traverse multiple continents in search of the legendary titular giver of life, partly because of their deceased father’s adventurousness and partly because a terminally ill billionaire (Domhnall Gleeson) wants to — Krasinski’s shtick is obnoxious instead of charming, turning countless life-or-death scenarios into a chance to be arrogant or flirty. (He also doesn’t move well enough for the role’s physicality.) The character feels like he grew up on early Ryan Reynolds, skipped “Definitely, Maybe” and jumped back in with Deadpool.
That, of course, largely falls on writer James Vanderbilt (who somehow has gone from “The Rundown” and “Zodiac” to a couple “Scream” installments and both “Murder Mystery” movies), who gives director Guy Ritchie a ton of forgettable supporting characters (Stanley Tucci, apparently still on set for “Conclave,” is beyond wasted) and several batches of people tracking Luke and Charlotte’s movements with alarming ease. Every so often that includes Esme (Eiza Gonzalez) so Luke can hit on her incessantly despite (gestures wildly in the direction of everything happening).
Goofy globetrotting or silly quests a la “National Treasure” absolutely can have their merit. But “Fountain of Youth,” which includes surprisingly ugly CGI and eventually gets dangerously close to the messaging of “Lord of the Rings,” makes you wish for the heart-pounding intrigue and cultural sophistication of “Legends of the Hidden Temple.”
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