'Jurassic World Rebirth' is DOA
Universal
Questions I didn’t think I’d ever have to ask: Does that repeatedly leaping dinosaur know it’s in a movie? Is that one shockingly lazy? And how come no one on “The White Lotus” (memorably filmed in some of the same Thai locations) was attacked by any of these mediocre creatures?
You’d think removing Chris Pratt and the awkward lunge at nostalgia found in the awful “Dominion” would make yet another “Jurassic World” installment at least marginally better. Instead, “Rebirth” is roughly just as bad but in different ways.
Right away, the opening sequence — in which a stray Snickers wrapper leads to a minor form of “Final Destination”-esque disaster — sparks disbelief that this very disappointing effort was crafted by “Jurassic Park” writer David Koepp, and things don’t improve as Scarlett Johansson flounders in a poorly defined lead role and even the beloved Mahershala Ali is hung out to dry as a generic protector. Director Gareth Edwards seems to have forgotten the tension and awe he brought to 2014’s “Godzilla”; “Rebirth,” in which the goal is retrieving blood from three particular dinos despite them being very large and not super-thrilled about people poking them with stuff, is dull, episodic and seriously lacking in forward momentum.
Much of what unfolds is like “Kong: Skull Island” if it looked fake and numerous shots were so badly staged that you want to rewind and see if the filmmaker’s decisions were really as terrible as those of the characters. Where the classic 1993 effort nails everything it attempts, “Rebirth” botches its interest in exploring family dynamics through bizarre action sequences (several of the attackers just give up?) and several deaths we don’t care about at all.
Many people, myself included, get at least somewhat amped by spectacles the size of the “Jurassic” movies. But “Rebirth” is flagrant false advertising.
D+
NEW: WANT TO SETTLE A MOVIE DEBATE, TALK ABOUT '90S FAVORITES, OR EVEN HAVE YOUR SHORT HOME MOVIE REVIEWED? BOOK A VIDEO FROM MATT VIA CAMEO
ORDER “TALK ‘90S WITH ME: 23 UNPREDICTABLE CONVERSATIONS WITH STARS OF AN UNFORGETTABLE DECADE”
Matt’s new book arrived Sept. 27, 2022, and Richard Roeper raves: “Matt Pais deserves four stars for reintroducing us to many of the greatly talented but often unsung heroes of 1990s film. This is a terrific read.”
ARE YOU A “SAVED BY THE BELL” FAN?
Order “Zack Morris Lied 329 Times! Reassessing every ridiculous episode of ‘Saved by the Bell’ … with stats” (featuring interviews with 22 cast members, plus the co-founder of Saved by the Max and the creator of “Zack Morris is Trash”)
GET 100 STORIES FOR JUST $4.99